Fifty before 50…and so it begins…

The “Big 5-0” looms.

In December, I’m turning fifty. This milestone birthday has given me pause for thought. I know I’m definitely past the half way point in life which has caused me to stop and wonder, “What have I learned?”

And so I begin a series of musings on fifty things I’ve observed before 50.

Disclaimer – these are things I’ve learned in MY life. There may be a nugget of brilliance that you can apply to yours, there may be bupkis. I believe, that’s why we write – to share our thoughts, begin dialogue and possibly (hopefully) incite positive change.

One of the most important things I’ve learned in life is to share my issues with like minded people. Allow me to explain…

fiftyatfifty meme number 1

Back in the day, when I was living with my jackass boyfriend (known as “Lamby”), I did a sex toy party that was one of the lowest in sales I had ever done. (*if you aren’t familiar with my background in vibrator sales, pick up a copy of my book and read all about it, #shamelessplug) It caused me a tremendous amount of angst. I came home that night and complained to Lamby about the hostess, the sales, the entire evening.

Me: I can’t believe I only sold $280! She barely had any food out for her guests! I never have such low sales! The hostess wasn’t even focused on the party. She had the television on the whole time!

Lamby: That’s to be expected.

Me: What’s to be expected? My party average is $1,500. This is going to drag it all down!

Lamby: I’m sure you’ll make more money at your future parties. There is more money per capita in Toronto than Ottawa.

Me: What?? This has nothing to do with Toronto.

Lamby: The average income in Toronto is higher than Ottawa. There are going to be parties where you make more money because the households here are double income with more throw away fund money.

Me: She interrupted me when I was doing my presentation and kept referring to episodes of “Sex & the City” when I was trying to sell.

Lamby: I’m sure the sales will be higher at the next party.


You can imagine how the rest of the night went. I felt unsatisfied, restless – like he just didn’t get me. I didn’t know how to turn my night around. I knew that in his computer-like brain he thought he was helping me by providing me with statistics but it did little to assuage my growing emotional turmoil.

Later that night a friend of mine who I had trained with called me up to check on me.

T: How’s it going?

Me: I just had the shittiest party.

T: What happened?

Me: The hostess didn’t have any food out for her guests, she had the television on and when it came to the sales, she rushed everyone out.

T: What a bitch!

Me: I know, right?!

T: I had a hostess last night who spilled my sample of bath salts all over the table and didn’t even help me clean it up.

Me: What? That’s awful!

T: I had a mouth runner in one party too. She kept trying to sell the stuff for me like she knew about the products more than I did.

Me: What did you do?

T: I made her hold the floppy dick prop I use for showing the stiffening cream in her lap and called it “the talking stick”. She wasn’t allowed to talk till she could make it get hard.

Me: You mean the rubber one?

T: Yup! After a few minutes of awkward as f*ckness, she stopped talking.

Me: T, you’re brilliant. I don’t think I could do that though.

T: You’ve got your own, awesome style, Jazzie. You’ll figure out what works for you. I tell the bitches to f*ck off all the time. Then again, my party average isn’t even close to yours. You just had a bad night. I’ve had hundreds of those. The next party, you’ll pop a thousand. I’d love to be there to see the other consultant’s faces when you get your awards for highest sales.

Me: I feel better, T. Thanks for that.

And just like that, I really did feel better. I know that might seem obvious to most folks, but I’ve since learned that if I want to talk about an issue that is bothering me, it helps me to talk about it with someone who has been in the same situation or someone who can empathize with what I’m going through. You don’t always want advice. Sometimes, you just want to be heard. And if the person who is listening has shared experiences, it can go a long way.

Footnote: The next party I did was $1,650 in sales. Screw you, Lamby!

It helped that I insisted that night that the television stay off and that if they paid attention, I would give them five tips on how to give the best oral sex ever.

But I’ll save that for another musing 🙂

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