Product review for Wicked Wanda’s Adult Emporium
It’s January. Turn on the television, look at your Facebook feed or scroll through Twitter and you will be bombarded by ads promising weight loss. As I sit and stare at the button on my pants that looks like it is straining to break free from its thread and shoot across the room, I think to myself, “Gee, I best get back to the gym too”.
But let me offer this suggestion for exercise while others are commending the benefits of strength training, yoga and Pilates: Kegel muscle exercises. All you need for this is one “Magic Banana” and the desire to improve the pelvic floor of your vagina. Why, you might ask, would you want to do strength training for these muscles? Well, because as a woman there is a chance that after having a baby or just simply by virtue of your body getting older, these muscles become relaxed and loose needing toning. One minute you’re laughing at something, the next thing you’re peeing at the same time and trust me – it isn’t that funny.
If you’re wondering how to isolate the muscle, the next time you pee (er, urinate), stop the flow a few seconds in, start again, then stop. Your neighbour in the next stall might think you have bladder issues or are waiting for them to leave before you unleash your 7-11 slushie, but that will give you an idea of what the muscle feels like when it is contracting.
You can choose to do these contractions just about anywhere – at a bus stop, in the car, at your desk at work, sitting across from your in-laws at Sunday dinner or while you are standing at the sink doing your dishes (yes, I don’t have a dishwasher). The recommended time is 10 – 15 contractions three to four times a day. But if you’re like me, you’ll forget after the first session and become distracted by fourteen zillion other things that you need to do in one day and suddenly you aren’t getting in enough repetitions to really make a difference. But what if there was a “toy” that could help you with the excercise? What if there was something that you could insert into the vagina and squeeze like a tension ball training your muscles to contract on it? Well it does exist!
Exercising with the “Magic Banana” will not only improve the strength of the pelvic floor but also allow you to control the muscle at will giving you complete and utter power over your pelvis. And though it may look ridiculous to you at first, and slightly daunting, it is an item that will change the way you exercise this muscle and potentially vastly improve your sex life!
Allow me to paint a picture for you of what can happen if you take the time to properly excercise and strengthen this muscle…
I had been with Lamby for just over a year. He took a job in Mississauga so our previously long distance relationship from Ottawa to Montreal turned into a longer relationship Ottawa to Toronto. I had been selling vibrators for almost a year and started to use one of the beaded toys to help me isolate the Kegel muscles around it and improve my control. Consider it my crude substitute for the brilliance that would become the “Magic Banana”.
Lamby and I had spent a month apart. In that time, along with using the toy, I would exercise the muscle while sitting at a table writing recaps for my sales or while I sorted my vibrator bags and opened new stock. I felt as tight and in control as I had heard the pretty girls who took ballet were when I was in University. It was the stuff of legends.
We decided to meet half way in Kingston at the Days Inn to rekindle our love. Feeling particularly playful, I said to the nice man James at the front desk, “I just paid $50 for this guy here. I’m not from around these parts so can you tell me if that is a fair price?” To Lamby’s credit, he simply smiled quietly and waited for James’ reaction as I did.
“Excuse me, ma’am?”
“I said I paid $50 for him. I’m not sure if that was a good price.” James looked from me to Lamby and then back at me again. His expression looked at once nervous, scared and skeptical. He quickly handed me our room key and pointed me in the direction of the back lot where we could park without saying another word.
Lamby laughed in the parking lot. “I don’t think James understood your sense of humour”. It was those moments, when he let me be myself and seemed to really enjoy my sense of humour, that I liked him best. Later in the room, while we were having sex I decided to work my strong new muscles to the sheer delight and orgasmic joy of both of us. The sex was so intense and incredible that I screamed louder than air raid siren and hooted like my sports team had just won the big game.
A half hour later we were in the shower together the phone started to ring. “Who could be calling us?” I asked him. “I don’t know anyone here, do you?” he asked. He exited the shower while I tried to listen over the down pouring of water. As I towelled off he came into the bathroom, his chest puffed up like a peacock.
“Who was it on the phone?”
“It was James,” he said, his smile wider than any other time I had ever seen it. “He called to see if everything was okay in here.”
“You mean he heard me screaming?”
“Yup!” Lamby said with pride. “I made my woman scream so loud that they could hear her all the way at the front desk!”
I was mortified for hours! I contemplated every way I could to get out of the hotel without anyone seeing us until I finally came to the resolution that we were two consenting adults and that we hadn’t done anything wrong. So what if I was a bit loud? It was some of the best sex I had ever had and I had worked hard for a month on the muscle that helped me improve the experience. I earned every one of those throaty moans and orgasmic yelps of bliss.
At the restaurant the server came over, handed us our menus and then asked if we wanted anything to drink. I rubbed my throat and said, “As a matter of fact, I am a bit parched” to which he replied, “I’ll bet you are” and gave me the strangest look. It wasn’t until I saw him chatting with James from the front desk that I realized we were the talk of the hotel. Lamby sat back when he made the same realization, his chest puffed up and proud again while I slunk so low in the booth that I almost fell off the bench.
And this kind of improvement was done before I even knew about the “Magic Banana”! It just goes to show the magnitude of the results that can happen when you properly exercise and strengthen this muscle. When this muscle is strong, some women experience more intense orgasms due to increased blood flow to the area. Their partners will also enjoy the internal massage they receive on their penis and self-play will also be enhanced as increased control can be applied to any vibrator or dildo.
The “Magic Banana” makes the workout easy and allows you to focus your attention on expanding and contracting around the loop just as you would a resistance band for regular strength training. Use a good water based lubricant when you insert the toy and be sure to clean it with sex toy cleaner and let it air dry before your next use.
The other MAJOR advantage to this toy is that it stimulates the G-spot (oh yes, it does exist!)! If you’re wondering where that spot is, simply insert your finger into the vagina and crook it towards the outside wall (below the belly button) and then motion as though you were saying, “Come here, come here”. Don’t actually say “Come here, come here” because someone walking by might here you and interrupt you while you are sexploring 😉 At first, stimulating this area will make you feel as though you are going to pee, but once you get past that feeling, you will slip into a wonderous stratosphere above that sensation that is the direct road to the kind of orgasm that will have you smiling – and possibly changing the sheets – all day long!
The “Magic Banana” can be gently twirled inside the vaginal cavity so that it brushes over the G-spot – a super lovely freaky feeling – and if you feel adventurous, you can add clitoral stimulation at the same time to ensure a greater chance of a soak-sational sensation!
This may not seem on the surface like the most fun of all the toys one can own in a sex trunk, but it is one that will not only improve the quality of your sex life but will also improve your sexual health. Pick up the “Magic Banana” at Wicked Wanda‘s and start your New Year’s resolution for improved health and wellness with an exercise you can’t do in the gym – unless they are SUPER progressive – but one that will give you benefits for years and year to cum. Er, come.
It isn’t a banana, that’s for sure. Is it magic? I don’t know about that. One thing’s for sure though, if you use the “Magic Banana”, the next time you have a big laugh, you won’t pee yourself too. And I don’t know about you, but I find that….very ap-peel-ing.