I recently turned forty-six. Of course being a retired vibrator seller I like to say “I’m forty-sex” really fast and then watch people’s reactions.
I’ve noticed that ever since I passed the forty year mark most women immediately react by telling me to lie about my age. “Oh, you mean you’re just twenty-five”, they say.
I never want to be twenty-five again! But I won’t lie, it would be nice to have their metabolism the next time I’m at an all you can eat dessert bar.
I’m very proud of my age. I’m proud of what I have done and what I have learned. I’m not saying I’m wise and mature. Mature is always a stretch for me. I have however gained some insight into life and more importantly, to how I react to life. That got me to thinking about what I would tell a younger version of myself.
So I’ve compiled a list of forty-six things I would tell my younger self.
- Don’t expect things to work out if on a first date a guy tells you he thinks he might be gay and pays with a coupon.
- Cellulite is sexy. Don’t bother trying to wrap your legs in coffee and Saran Wrap. It doesn’t work and the coffee stains never come out of the carpet.
- Don’t eat a huge bowl of dahl right before a yoga class and expect to be alone in silence. And when you accidentally let out what seems like a four minute fart, don’t roll over laughing so hard that you knock down the people beside you. They’ll ask you to leave the class and not come back. Just pretend it was someone else.
- That guy who came into the store every week to buy earrings wasn’t buying them for himself he was working up the courage to ask you out.
- If someone says you deserve better than them, believe them. If you stay, be sure to write a book about it.
- Try everything at least twice. You can never be sure you don’t like something the first time so give it a second chance. Except curried brain. You will never like curried brain.
- Only tell your problems to like-minded people. Spilling your guts to the parking attendant about how you can’t get the company to keep anal beads in stock and not on back order (pun intended) isn’t as satisfying as telling it to a fellow consultant who will be able to empathize. And possibly trade you hers for other stock.
- Go easier on your knees and wear better runners when you run. Don’t take for granted how easy it is to get off the floor when you are young. Though you may find inventive ways to perfect the art of oral lovemaking without needing a forklift to get off the floor when you’re done, it would still be good if you had some spring in your kneecaps.
- Start waxing early. The sooner you start, the faster you get away from Sasquatch-like legs.
- On the other hand, embrace the unruliness of the hair on your head. Despite the fact that kitchen utensils, a family of small birds and Jimmy Hoffa’s body could hide in the mess of a nest you call hair on your head, you will appreciate it as you grow older and become less concerned with what others think.
- The grass on the other side of the fence isn’t greener. It’s the reflection of light off the Hydro tower in the backyard making you think your neighbours in a two storey house have it better than you. Plus, you are saving your knees – see number eight for why this is a good thing.
- That boy that joined the social committee and said he was looking for a way to make new friends didn’t attend every meeting out of high school spirit, he was interested in you.
- The first thing to show your age is your neck so wear more chokers and necklaces. As you get older, be sure to hang out with people who are considerably taller than you so that your neck is always stretched up to its maximum sleekness.
- Everything wrinkles. Even armpits get wrinkles so take more pictures with your arms in the air while you’re young and they still don’t look like an aging rhino’s butt.
- Never eat food from a street vendor in India. No matter how good it is (and it is!), it isn’t worth the antibiotics, quarantine and toll on your digestive tract. And when Health and Welfare Canada calls to make sure you are taking your medication, don’t make jokes about writing a thesis on feces. They won’t find it funny.
- Learn when it is the right time to talk about masturbation. In line waiting to get into the CN Tower ahead of a group of young kids isn’t the right time.
- Sex isn’t always great but love with sex is always great. And love with sex is worth waiting for.
- That woman that stayed to talk to you long after everyone was gone and then asked you to the movies wasn’t just being polite, she was hitting on you.
- Never feel ashamed of how much you love your parents even when others tell you it is an unhealthy attachment – no amount of crying will bring back your dead parent and you will never regret the time you spent with him and what you gave up to be by his side.
- You, with your one eyebrow, brown skin, oversized glasses, moustache and little boy haircut, know you are beautiful.
- You don’t have to finish everything you start.