Wicked, wicked Wanda

I’d like to say that it is because I’m a retired vibrator seller that I get asked advice on adult toys or for guidance with regard to particular sex acts but the fact is, these inquires were being made long before I ever held my first dildo in my hand. As a result, I am now working in collaboration with Wicked Wanda’s Adult Emporium to test and review products in their store and then write a review. Think of me as a toy tester for the bester in pleasure investors. Oh, the things I do for the sake of research!

The first adult toy that I am going to review is one I am very familiar with from my days dishing out dildos. Her name is Wanda (coincidentally of the same name as the store but of no relation).I remember the first time I saw Wanda – again, the toy, not the proprietor of the store. Back when I used to sell toys, once a month the consultants in the area would get together to present top sales awards and discuss new products.

I was living in Mississauga at the time and had just left Lamby when this toy was first presented. The woman leading the meeting, Miranda, barely had the toy out of its box when one of the consultants loudly screamed and jumped on her chair. “Is that Wanda?” she gasped. “Oh my God! Don’t tell me we are actually going to sell Wanda now?”

Someone behind me yelled, “Sit down! We can’t see back here.” Miranda hesitantly pulled the toy the rest of the way out of the box.

“Um,” she said looking at the woman who had jumped on her chair, “Do you want to present this to the group since you like it so much?”

“I can’t! I can’t believe we sell Wanda! It’s the best toy in the world! Fuck me! I love that toy! Fuck! Fuck, wait till I tell my clients! This is the best day of my life.”

“Didn’t you say your wedding last month was the best day of your life?” the woman next to her asked.

“Nothing , I mean NOTHING, compares to Wanda!”

Suddenly everyone was intently listening to Miranda as she fumbled through basic instructions on how the toy worked. I wondered why she seemed so nervous all of a sudden. At the break, Wanda’s champion grabbed the toy and plugged it in. I have to admit, I was alarmed when I saw how huge it was up close. This, coming from the woman who wasn’t fazed by the 14″ cyber penis.

The other consultants took turns rubbing the toy along each other’s shoulder blades.

“It’s a really great back massager!” the excited woman said.

“It is a back massager,” another said.

“It says so on the box.”

“No! You don’t understand!” she said hastily and grabbed the toy for herself again. Utter madness ensued as a few women dropped to their knees scouring the room for the electrical sockets.

In the chaos I declined the offer to have my back massaged and then didn’t gave the toy another thought. That is, until our meeting the following month.

It was at the restaurant where a few of us had gathered for dinner afterwards that I noticed one of my fellow consultant buddies sitting at the table, her neck crooked to one side.

“Mary, what happened to your neck?” I asked.

“Oh Wanda did this to me,” she said unable to make eye contact completely.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m telling you Jazz, it was Wanda.”

I paused and studied her. She tried to lift her head to look me in the eyes, winced and went back to letting her head flop to the side.

“Explain,” I said tilting my head to look her in the eyes.

“Get this, so I bought the toy, cause you remember that girl at the meeting, right? She loved it, remember? So I plugged it in, put it between my legs just to, you know, test it, cause I was still wearing my jeans, but then blam! I had a huge orgasm. In seven seconds, Jazz. I shit you not.”

“Please, Mary! Don’t lie to me.”

“I didn’t believe it either, okay? So I put it back down there and then blam! again, I had another one. It was the third one that kinked out my neck. I haven’t been able to straighten it out yet.”

I studied Mary carefully. She wasn’t the type to make up stories. But I still didn’t believe her.

A few months later I had moved back home to Ottawa from Mississauga and the first booking I had was a couple’s party in Rockland. I hated doing couple’s parties for reasons I shall explain in future posts. But they had asked for me personally since I had done a party for the hostess a year earlier. It occurred to me that I should probably order some Wandas since the large toy looked more like a back massager than a vibrator and that would be a good sell to parents with children who didn’t want to have to explain why Mommy and Daddy have a torpedo shaped plastic thing near their bedside.

I ordered six.

Always a consultant who told the truth to my clients, I knew I had to buy one for myself in order to properly recommend it and I won’t lie, after Mary’s experience, I was more than a bit curious. The day of the party I decided I would give the toy a try.

I lay down on my bed. It was 12:09 on the clock.IMG_3227

I noticed the time only because I knew I still needed to set aside two hours to pack my bags for later that night and fill out my paperwork for the previous party. I made myself comfortable and flicked the switch to “Low”. Quiet motor, solid, steady vibration, I thought. This would be a good back massager…I put the toy between my legs. Gee, that tickles, I thought. No, wait, that feels amazing. No, wait, that feels incredible!

I felt a line of sweat break out across my forehead, my mouth went dry and my toes spread out before spastically curling down so deeply that I could feel the nails against the padding of my feet.

I had a massive orgasm, felt my soul lift out of my body for a split second and then lay back on my bed in a heap of exhaustion and exhilarated joy. Surely, so much time had lapsed since I left my body that some great inventions had been created while I was being orgasmically transported. Was it next week already? Were my nieces in high school now? Had RockyXII been released?

I wiped the sweat from my brow and looked at my nightstand clock.

12:09 on the clock.

That night, at the couple’s party I recounted this story to my clients. I sold six Wandas to four couples. You do the math. I’ve consequently discovered that the toy truly is a great back and neck massager.

Years of carrying 110 lbs worth of dildos had destroyed my upper back and neck. I decided to see a chiropractor about realigning my spine. He was a lovely family man that came highly recommended to me and from the moment I met him, I trusted him completely. Well, you can imagine my surprise when, during one of our session, he took out Wanda and started to head towards me.

“What are you doing with that?” I yelped.

“You mean this back massager?”

Before I had time to catch my breath, I felt my legs spread apart in an instant Pavlovian reaction to seeing the toy.IMG_3235 I had to fight the urge to flop down on my back and whip my pants off.

I didn’t want to give this respectable family man the wrong idea but the instantaneous reaction was overwhelming! It was bad enough that he never really looked me in the eyes after I explained to him the reason why my neck was so messed up. Perhaps it was due to the mental image I created for him when we first met of me carrying a giant dildo weighing as much as a Hollywood celebrity on my back. Or maybe it was the cheesy jokes I would make about “back cracks” every time I would hear my spine move. Regardless of the reason, he always seemed to avert his gaze when I entered the room.

To make matters worse, I giggled like an idiot the entire time he used Wanda along my shoulders and neck.

It was awkward and uncomfortable.

I was moderately aroused.

He looked moderately annoyed.

The good news is he not only fixed my back, but he also said I didn’t need any follow up sessions. Whether that was true or he just didn’t want me to come by his office anymore, I’ll never know. But I’m back to squatting free weights without pain so everyone wins.

Wanda, also know as the Hitachi Magic Wand, is WELL worth purchasing and comes (pun intended) with my strongest and high recommendation. It is powerful, precise and can deliver pleasure in minutes. The fact that it plugs in makes it less portable than most toys but considering how high powered it is, you won’t care. You’ll just become hyper aware of where all the electrical outlets are in your home. The toy also comes with a number of attachments. There is even one that is shaped like Gonzo’s beak. It is a purple piece that is hooked at the end and fits on the head of the toy intended to hit your G-spot. There are even cushions that you can buy in which Wanda can be fitted. Imagine the fun when your dinner guests show up and you and are one seat short! Pull out this cushion, plug it in and watch your guests fight over more than just who gets the last piece of cake.

Lastly, unless you have a vagina made of steel, I’d caution against ever flipping the switch from “Low” to “Hi”. However, if orgasmic comas are your thing and you have a week off work anyway, then knock yourself out. The good news is that even if you do put it on “Hi” and end up kinking out your neck like my friend Mary, then at least the toy doubles as an excellent massager!

This toy gets a five out of five samosa salute!IMG_3238

samosa with website

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